Tag: Covid-19

Leica M3: Silver Halide and Satanism

Erik Prasetya photographs Jakarta with a Leica M. Cartier-Bresson, Salgado, and a long list of Magnum photographers’ works testified its prowess. The original rangefinder camera. Classic timeless design with the iconic red dot (or subdued, if you don’t want to announce ‘expensive camera’). 

I have always had a crush with the M since I saw Blood Diamond; Jennifer Connelly wielding the M among hard men with Kalashnikovs and Armalites. I may never cover an armed conflict, but I practice photography the most when I am travelling. 

Rangefinders are the happy medium between size and performance. Bigger firepower than smartphones, smaller than DSLRs. The ergonomics of a real camera is always better for making pictures. Smartphones’ features are distracting. When you’re travelling, you want to save your phone battery for navigating—and posting those pictures.

Never a best value camera. M’s lack of auto-focus at that price point was a deal breaker for me, a mere photography enthusiast. 

Settled with the poor man’s Leica, Fuji X100T. Not exactly a rangefinder, a premium point and shoot. Beautiful retro (Leica-like) design with a pancake lens equivalent to 35mm and f2.0 aperture—an ideal street photography camera. Attached Lensmate’s thumb-rest and red lizard soft release button for better stability and look. 

My EOS 6D and X100T are all that I need for travel photography. I have realised that when a picture is not good enough, it’s usually because you’re not close enough. Bang Bang Club. I use 50mm and 35mm lenses.

I was a contented traveler-photographer. Until the pandemic. 

In the last months of 2020, I was demoralised—perhaps even depressed. I was burning out from the dullness of isolated days. I was running out of my resiliency in enduring the pandemic days. I found it hard to finish books I am reading, to choose which film to watch, or even to decide where to eat when dining out.  

I wanted to write a New Year post. Something about surviving 2020. I had so much insights from 10 months of ‘house-arrest’. But I was unable to find the words. I sat and stare at the blank word processor page. When I force-typed the words, they were vapid.

I tried photographing my neighbourhood: potholed and cat shitted roads; government or community sponsored banners with vapid jargons (‘Bersama kita lawan COVID-19’); rows of ruko(shophouses) housing SMEs with alay copywriting: ‘Alpucok’ (alpukat kocok), ‘Kedai Netizen’. Digital images are extremely low cost to make and store, but they are not even worth to be captured.

Naturally, I  was not alone. Even creative professionals felt similar burnout. My London host brother, Adithio Noviello, lost interests in photography—a career threat for  him. He decided to return to film photography. He picked up his old Bronica ETRSi and started shooting again. He said analog photography allowed him to slow down, to savour more the process of making a picture. 

Photography as therapy. 

Iyo’s posts piqued my interest in analog photography. In pre-pandemic times, it felt senseless to revert back to impractical photographic equipment when you can spend your resources for travel. The subjects and the environment are always the more decisive factors in making a picture than your kits.

But I needed something novel to stimulate my mind. Thus begin my research. 

I never used a medium format camera like Iyo’s Bronica. My search got me to Negative Feedbackrecommending Mamiya 7 and Romanas Naryškin’s review on Mamiya RZ67. Mamiya 7 seems to be better suited for travels, but you’d shoot from your chest with RZ67—allowing you to make better eye contact with your subjects. 

Romanas reminded his readers that taking picture with analog camera will not make you a better photographer, but it will make you take pictures in a different way. He admits the impracticality of shooting with RZ67. It is a choice he made with heart, not head.

I spent weeks ruminating on the compactness of Mamiya 7 and the shooting experience of RZ67. However, when I saw the price of 120mm film rolls, I decided to start with 35mm.

The cheapest way is to use my father’s Nikkormat again. But I want a small format camera that I’d take when travelling. Negative Feedback recommended Minolta TC-1, a point and shoot with 28mm lens. It is not available in Indonesia. Another problem: it’s so hipster (try searching ‘#minoltatc-1’).

My further search led to ‘the best camera ever made’. Sounds heavy for a 1954 technology, but it’s a Leica. After watching Youtube videos and reading blogs about the M3, I knew that she’s the one. I have always been in love with the M after all. 

Yet, I was worried that I won’t make good pictures; that I would be wasting money. What if this craving for analog photography is just a phase? Will I actually want to travel with a film camera, risking missed shots of priceless moments? 36 unreviewable-undeletable shots with full manual control seems to require so much skill.

The M3 does not have a built-in lightmeter. If I rely on my current light reading skills or the rule of the average from Kodak Pocket Guide to 35mm Photography, the learning curve would have large error margins (costly in terms of money and, worse, moments). Leicameter seems to be a complicated apparatus. Most modern lightmeters’ designs are not aesthetically compatible with the M3 design. 

Thankfully, KEKS EM01 is an easy to use digital lightmeter. Its compact minimalist box shaped design is compatible with the M3’s. The hot/cold shoe attachment, unfortunately, is flimsy white plastic.

I found the justification for the acquisition of the M3 from Jillfit’s post (‘It takes a lot of courage to be willing to suck at something’) and Michael Ramage’s (‘Do something for yourself this year, get better at something…old. Find yourself again’). Digital cameras are my comfort zone photography, analog camera will drive me out of it.

The black and white photograph of Vassily Grossman in war torn Stalingrad on Paris Review’s ‘The Soviet Tolstoy’s Forgotten Novel’ also prompted my decision.

So I went to Joelcam. They had two M3s for sale: a single stroke and a double stroke shutter release lever. The double stroke is the older version, more ‘vintage’ (I checked the serial numbers on f22cameras.com, the double stroke was made in 1955; the single 1962). Function wise, double stroke can better prevent accidental shutter release. Conversely, you can lost milliseconds for readying the shutter release.

The double stroke’s body is in better conditions. The single stroke has more wear and tear. I don’t mind cosmetic wear and tear as long as the camera works; the weathered look also gives that vintage feel (and makes it cheaper). 

Arifin of Joelcam made his sales pitch: more and more photographers are turning to analog. Investment wise, analog camera price is not as depreciative as digital. He didn’t really need to pitch the M3. The moment I walked to the store, I already made my decision. 

The M3 viewfinder is designed for 50mm lens. I’d love to get a Leica lens—the Summicron, Summarit, or Summilux. But I thought it is best to start with something cheaper: the Voigtlander Nokton 50mm f1.2. 

Joelcam gave me a complimentary Kodak Gold 200 roll film. It became my first roll for my M3.

I walked out the store with the M3 single stroke. Anxious and excited, like successfully asking a lady for a first date. Hoping everything will work out yet knowing everything could be a disappointment. Downloaded and consulted the manual, watched video on how to load the film roll.

The M3 is heavier than it looks. The shutter speed options are limited from B to 1/1000. I never had to compensate the viewfinder parallax before. I was worried that I would only get a few good pictures or none at all. Dropped my first film roll at Rana Lab when finished it. A few hours later, the developed results were emailed to me.

I am glad that my success rate in making good pictures is not bad at all, especially for first time user. Matt Day is right. The Nokton produces visible vignetting in low light conditions. However, it is a great lens with good value.

The M3 is the first camera with which I do photography for the sake of photography. I read that the M3 is not a camera for working professionals but for artists. I am not at the level of an artist, but I am not a working professional. The fully mechanical functions and minimalist features, as well as the delayed gratification of seeing the results, allow me to enjoy again the thrill of shutter clicking and the excitement of anticipations. No white balance setting, no ISO adjustments. Just shutter speed, aperture, and focus.

My choice of the negative have direct and almost unalterable impact to the images. I found joy in experimenting with the negatives. After the Kodak Gold, I tried film rolls from a Ciamis firm, Lapan Film Lab: the BW400 and Cine200. They are half the price of established brands. My verdict: very grainy and inconsistent exposures in low light. The hidden costs of missing moments can be larger than expected. In anyway, I’m a Leica owner. I should be able to afford the investment of better (pricier) negatives. 

Mini Cooper (Lapan BW400)

I am glad that I didn’t decide on Minolta TC-1. A point and shoot would have lessened my photography experience. If I am only looking for the analog look on the images, I could have used one of those filter apps.

I want my skills to match the fine apparatus I am using. I researched on black and white photography books. The first authoritative name appeared from my research is Ansel Adams, the father of straight photography, I acquired his trilogy The CameraThe Negative; and the Print, which unfortunately are too technical so I only skimmed them. Still, I was enlightened of my ignorance on many photography terms (and even the existence of large format cameras).

I bought Lambrecht’s Way Beyond Monochrome. The book focuses on developing and printing film. Too advanced for someone who have only loaded fewer than 10 film rolls in his adult life. 

The references section, however, is a map to gold mines. Sontag’s On Photography is on the top of ‘Art, Perception, Composition, and Lighting.’ But another unfamiliar name kept reappearing: Mortensen, William. His books The Command to Look and The Model are mentioned as the classics. 

I followed the rabbit down the hole.

Command is a book on how to make an impactful image with the anti-thesis of the straight (purist) photography. Adams dubbed Mortensen as the Anti-Christ and used his influence to exile Mortensen from the mainstream photography. Mortensen approach is to engineer a photograph in such a way using psychological nudges to make the viewer look, see, and enjoy

The ‘pictorial imperatives’ constitute of shapes/patterns associated with our primal fear as well as universally appealing themes. The shapes/patterns are diagonals, S-curves, triangles, and dominant mass. While the themes are sex, sentiment, and wonder. Mortensen’s ‘pictorial imperatives’ are Roland Barthes’ ‘punctures’ in Camera Lucida.

Mortensen’s formula for two dimensional visual arts was adopted by Anton Szander LaVey in creating the rituals for the Satanic Church—rituals are aimed to satisfy the carnal desires of men and women, employing psychodrama theatrics which are often sensual and terrorising (like in Eyes Wide Shut)

LaVey’s The Devil’s Notebook feels like Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil or Hesse’s Demian, but with pagan carnivals. Perhaps, Satan is Abraxas. Satanism is not really about worshipping Satan or eating babies. It’s an alternative to mainstream religions and consumerism herd mentality. An atheistic philosophy of individualism based on responsible pursuit of pleasures.

Ziggy & Katniss’ frontyard songkran (Lapan Cine200)

I was a sixteen year old high school kid, sitting on a bench of a warung on a Saturday night; waiting for my friends who have cars to pick me up to party at one of the live music cafes in Kemang (was it Barbados?). The proprietor sat beside me, smoking a clove cigarette. He inhaled and exhaled nicotine and tar fumes. Contented in cancerous indulgence. He was illuminated by a dangling incandescent lightbulb powered by stolen electricity from the streetlights. 

I wished I had a camera and the photography skills to take his portrait. 

I couldn’t afford to pursue photography yet that time. But what really prevented me was Dazed and Confused teenage life. Gaining approval from my peers was more important. Spent my pocket money on cellphone credits, internet cafes, fast fashion, marijuana and cheap liquors (which tasted so bad you’d have to mix them). Got into a gang, but not a band; soft drugs and violence, but no sex other than masturbations.

Now.

I am reading books, on photography and other topics. 

I am writing this post/article/essay. 

I am photographing, again. 

Social Distancing Diary: On Meditation

Bapak sent me a picture from 1983 of the Nimun house under construction. The house in which I grew up in. 

A Daihatsu 600cc van is on the foreground.

Nimun House, 1983
Nimun House, 1983

My earliest memory of life is riding shotgun in that car. It had no air conditioner, it had a latch below the dashboard to let the wind into the cabin for cooling. I remember that, as a baby or a toddler, I gazed at the wind latch and was mesmerised by the optical illusion of the road passing by like a reel of images—as if we were stationary and the world is moving by.

I was too young to have an idea whether the Daihatsu was a nice car or not. No sense of shame in riding on a beat up motor vehicle. All I cared about was the paradox of perceptions; the subject-object dissonance.

I was ignorant of the concept of consciousness. I have not even been introduced to Allah, soul, sin, paradise, and hellfire (or perhaps understood any of those). But I innocently was aware that there is this blurry line between the sense of self and the world.

***

I started meditating in September 2019. I am not sure when I started to remember and be aware again of the subject-object dissonance; the perceptions I had in my earliest memory.

I have been aware of the benefits of Oriental meditations for a long time. However, I didn’t know where to start. I am suspicious of gurus or spiritual teachers. They reek of cults–the non-mainstream organised religions. I am also skeptical with guided meditation apps. Using the smartphone, the main source of distractions of our time, to be more mindful seem to be a counterintuitive approach.

I tried to read The Attention Revolution. The book gives step-by-step instructions on how to meditate. However, it’s like reading a book on riding a bicycle. Not very helpful for me.

I postponed learning to meditate, until I worked for a sociopath and an extremely dysfunctional firm. I have worked for and with bullies and less than pleasant corrupted people, but it was a whole new level of experience (I am a litigator in a jurisdiction with a high corruption index, for your information). The tools I had—the consolations of philosophy and art, the Occidental meditation of journaling—were insufficient to cope with the challenges of that phase.

I got professional help. My therapist recommended the Waking Up app as an additional tool in helping me progress.

I have read Sam Harris’ book with the same title before. I have always been interested in spirituality, but I am prejudiced against religions. Waking Up suits my temperament (its extended title is A Guide to Spirituality Without Religions). Most of the books I read about secular spirituality (or other buzzwords for exploring and improving human psyche) typically emphasise on European enlightenment tradition of meditation; of analysing and examining one’s own thoughts. However, in Waking Up, Harris narrates his spiritual pursuits under the Eastern tradition of meditation and posits that such a path can be a secular one (despite Hinduism and Buddhism roots). 

I admit Harris’ credentials as neuroscientist and persona as one of the so-called ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ and ‘New Atheists’ provided me with a certain assurance that this is not just a New Age-y self-help book. This helped me in opening up to the idea of a secular approach in Oriental meditations which sound juxtaposed at the beginning. 

I have also been initiated to minimalism, courtesy of The Minimalists. From them I learned the importance of being more intentional in life. Decluttering our smartphone is one way to be so. Not all apps are equal; only download value adding apps. Audit how often we use the apps, delete the ones we are not using (we can always download again later if we need them). If an app adds value to our life, keep it. After all, they are tools to help us live better.

When I downloaded the app, I had a good first impression. The user interface is friendly with tasteful aesthetic design. We can start with free introduction sessions. When I have finished all of the free sessions, I decided to pay the subscriptions to force my commitments in meditating (like most people, I’d appreciate something more if I pay for it).

The sessions are not ambitious. The default guided meditation time is 10 minutes. You can extend it to 20 minutes, but I stick to the default time. I thought if I can spend hours on Instagram, I should be able to spend 10 minutes daily on another app. 

Harris delivered the promise of meditating: I feel I have less things to do now. I am still insecure and anxious and restless, but at least I know how to stay still for 10 minutes. Having the control over my physiology despite the tumults of my mind is empowering.

Harris also reminded me to be more open minded; among those charlatans and false prophets, there are real gurus who are well intended and competent in helping you progress to the next plane of existence (see On Gurus). Therefore, after this quarantine, I am planning to go to a meditation retreat. To meditate under instructions of a guru.

As any good resource, Waking Up expanded my references to other resources. The app also offers a lot of valuable theoretical contents. I enjoyed Harris podcasts on various topics related to consciousness. His recorded conversations with experts on the said subject matter–neuroscientists, poets, philosophers, Zen masters and, yes, gurus– are intellectually stimulating. 

Recently, the app just added Contemplative Action in which David Whyte read his poems. I have always loved words and languages, but found difficulties in appreciating poetry. Whyte’s reading and narrative actually guided me how to do so.

The meditation practices have been particularly helpful during this quarantine time. As in exercising and investing, the only regret I have is not to start doing it earlier in life.

I am grateful to discover this resource. Whether you are a spiritualist like Descartes, a materialist like Oliver Sacks, or somewhere in between like most subscribers of mainstream religions, we can agree that consciousness exists. Therefore, I recommend anyone who wants to start their meditation training using this app.

You can get a free month of the app by clicking this link. If you are unable to afford the subscription price, you can send an email to Waking Up requesting a free subscription.

This is not a sponsored article. I do not receive any benefits from endorsing this app (other than helping people be kinder to themselves and each other).